Glacial Errata, No. 11

One: Nell’ Ora Blu

My favorite album from last year continues to be Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats’ strange and entirely invented soundtrack to a non-existent Italian giallo film, Nell’ Ora Blu. It’s their usual stoner rock riffs mixed with 70s synthy vibes, but with the addition of audio clips featuring veteran Italian stars Franco Nero and Edwige Fenech. I haven’t stopped listening to this album since last summer—it’s weird and moody, and conjures all the strange vibes of the classic giallo soundtracks, while hinting at a movie that does not and has never existed. It’s extremely listenable, and extremely strange.

Two: There Is No Light at the End of the Tunnel Because the Tunnel Is Made of Light

Ryan Spencer’s fascinating book There Is No Light at the End of the Tunnel Because the Tunnel Is Made of Light grows out of a bit of urban legend: the band The Afghan Whigs had planned a film to accompany their album Black Love, but it never came to fruition, leaving fans to wonder what such a film might look like. Spencer takes on this task in his book, which is made up of stills from existing noir films, de-contextualized and re-contextualized to suggest they are all from this mythical and unmade film. A beautiful, enigmatic, and wondrous little book that’s worth seeking out regardless of whether or not you have any feelings about The Afghan Whigs.

Three: Shazam!

Any list of unmade, impossible, and mythical films must, I suppose, include Shazam! starring the comedian Sinbad. It’s often cited as one of the major pieces of evidence of The Mandela Effect, a nonsense idea that isn’t real. There is, of course, a film called Kazaam, starring Shaquille O’Neal, but anyone insisting that their memories of Shazam! starring Sinbad, are genuine and not just a mis-remembering of Kazaam says very little about conspiracy theories and quite a bit about the believers' inability to distinguish one Black man of a certain physique from another (they don’t even look that much alike, man, c’mon). The best summation of The Mandela Effect I’ve seen remains John Roberts’ take on his show, How To (“How To Improve Your Memory”), where he concludes, quite justly, I think, that certain people have invented an entirely elaborate and bizarre conspiracy theory to explain the fact that they simply aren’t that good at remembering things.

Four: Untitled Project Featuring Camilla Rhodes

This list should also include On High in Blue Tomorrows, the non-existent film in production in David Lynch’s 2006 film Inland Empire. But truth be told, Inland Empire is the one Lynch film I could never quite get into, and I’m far more fond of Mulholland Drive, which has a similar non-existent film at its heart. At one point, Lisa Lackey’s character, Carol, lip syncs Connie Stevens’ “Sixteen Reasons” in an attempt to get the part that ends up going to Camilla Rhodes. Connie Stevens, as it happens, was one of the very first guests on The Muppet Show, and thus was one of the very few hosts to receive a weird gimmicky gift that was quickly discontinued: a Muppet version of herself. It’s odd and uncanny and upsetting and, in its own way, extremely Lynchian.

Five: Fritz Lang’s The Odyssey

I’ll admit that, as much as I love Godard’s Contempt, the adaptation of The Odyssey they’re making looks really bad. Perhaps that’s the point? Perhaps there’s some comment about the terribleness of American cinema that Godard is making? Despite the fact that Fritz Lang is attached to it? Who can say.

What I can tell you is that I once had an idea for a terrible reality show based on The Odyssey, a sort of mix of The Amazing Race and Temptation Island: you take a happily married couple, and take one of them (say, the guy) and strand him on the other side of the world. Then he has to do a whole bunch of tasks and trials to get home. Meanwhile, the wife is surrounded by 20 super hot dudes who are relentlessly putting the moves on her. Can he get home before she gives in?

I posted this ideas as a joke on Facebook many years ago, thinking nothing of it, and then someone I didn’t know very well saw it and asked me if she could pitch it to Hollywood, which made me feel bad on several levels. Nothing ever came of it, thank god.